Your Ashes top 10

Cricket....Well what more can we say, the Ashes have literally gone up in smoke. And that was only day 2 of the 5th Test. But if you want to get ahead of the pack, and spot an Australian cricketing disaster before everyone else, you have come to the right place my friends. Here are the top 10 signs, you'll know you're f*&%#d in the Ashes:

You'll know you're f*&%#d in the Ashes when.....

1. Simon Katich is called in to bowl.

2. Instead of Commentating, Shane Warne starts talking about his DVD collection...Which surprisingly includes 'Dumb And dumber'

3. Mitchell Johnson starts taking more wickets than usual & we still can't get them all out!

4.Mike Hussey goes in to Bat...and is still generally in the side.

5. Your captain gets smashed in the face with a cricket ball....Though the fact that none of his
teeth fell out, might mean there's a slight glimmer of hope. 6.You bowl England all out for about 300, and they bowl you all out for about 160!

7. The Barmy Army runs out of real chants and starts singing Kumbaya.

8. Your batting line up colapses faster than Warnies Monogomy.

9. The Umpire calls a catch off your f*&%#^g knee!

10. Well...If Bopara actually makes any runs.

Another key sign is if you lose all your wickets between Breakfast and lunch, you have 2 days to make 500 runs (borderline im-f*&%#^g-possible), and you're praying for miracles... There, now you're an expert.

AFL... Extra, extra! Fev sheds 6 kilo's!...How did he do it? you cry. Well now that he has stopped talking crap, and having to eat his words all the time, he is getting thiner! Fevs valuable gut just mite be worth a top 4 spot for the Blues! And with one less forward with a belly, we can go back to focusing on taking the piss out of buddy's. Carlton beat the Dee's on the weekend by a massive margin...but it doesn't really count though cause it was against Melbourne.
Russel Robertson has been told he will be 'moved on' at the end of the season, as part of the Demons 'rebuilding phase'. But Robbo still wants to play on, so where will he end up? Maybe we should just raffle him off to a club with a Hamper and a chook, just like the league did with Ben Cousins when nobody wanted him. We're sure the Tigs will give Robbo a good home if there isn't anyone else who will....Anyway the Guy kicked about 5 goals on the weekend so he can still play...and is addiction free. I'd probably retire on a high too, pardon the pun.
The coaching Crap-athon continues with the Roos selecting their new coach. North Melbourne says ' haha we fooled you! It's Brad, not Bucks!'...Jokes on you guys; Bucks was number 1 choice, Longmire was number 2, so that means you got Bronze Roos! It's sad for a club when the Richmond job is more saught after than your own.
The Tigs have things narrowed down to two potential new coaches; Hinkley or Hardwick. Will they take a star Cats backman, or Hawthorns Premiership hangover leftovers? Sounds more appealing if we say former Port Adelaide champion and Premiership player. Rawlings must feel like a bad consolation prize, when those two come to their senses and decide not to take the job.
Huge Friday night for the Dogs, beating the Cats at the Dome. The Cats looked out of it, losing Paul Chapman, but managed to claw their way to the front by 3 quarter time. It seemed like the Dogs were going to bury the Cats in points, but In the End the Scrays cruised home by about 15. Geelong looking like coming apart at the wrong end of the season again. At least Moony's lost the Yips.
So what do you do when your team is shit and ou have no hope of winning a Premiership? You try to belt the suitcase out of everyone on the other team...right Buddy? at least it was your shoulder that did the damage this time and not your gut....Ah see we're back.

The Hawks beat the Tigers and keep their finals hopes alive, any chance of beeing threatening for the title still remains dead.

Its official, we're declaring Port Adelaide Legally Insane!....The AFL's Schizos kicked 10 goals in the First quarter and were 40 points ahead of Brisbane at the first break. They then went on to kick zero goals in the second quarter??? And even leading by about 17 at three quarter time, still managed to lose the game by around the same margin...The men in the white coats are coming.

The Pies took down the Swans, even with poor kicking on Dunday. Heath Shaw tackled Dane Swan on the weekend, only problem was the tackle went on for a little bit too long, so long it was a borderline hug. Looks like Heath is lonely and really misses the Pies. He took every opportunity to get as close as possible to his lover Dane.

Just when we thought Essendon were the Shiz for beating the Saints, turns out anyone can beat them, even North Melbourne. And the Dons thrashed by the Dockers??? WTF is going on? I retire trying to predict this game. Saints captain Nick Riewoldt again had a chance to at least draw the game, this time before the siren. His kick from 50 is touched on the line and that makes two in a row for the not so invincibles.

The Bombers finals chances look shot and it seems like Subiaco is the new SCG. The Bermuda Triangle of Football, where good teams go in, but they never emerge the same. At least the Dockers put a win together for their last home game. Something for the fans to cheer about after they failed to tank for the priority pick.

NRL....The big Grand Final rematch was on between the Storm and Manly this week. The game wasn't pretty but it gave a much needed boost to last years Premiers after a poor start to the Season. Manly win 20 to 16.

St George has suffered yet another surprising loss to the Broncos, which leaves the door open for the Bulldogs in the comp. The Dragons went down with only 2 on the Board to Brisbanes 12. Are the Dragons going pear shaped at the wrong end of the season just like StKilda in the AFL???......Ask us in about 5 weeks :-p.

F1....The European GP has finished up with a great win to Brawns Rubens Barrichello. It looked like McLaren were back on track and would dominate after qualifying, but Rubens took the top spot even without teamate Button on the Podium. Lewis Hamilton was second with Raikonen 3rd. Poor Mark Webber scraped into the top 10...The race is so mch more exciting when he does well.

Interviews...we talk to Alpha Magazine senior writer Anthony Sharwood about the big 50th edition Bonanza!...And we find out how an Ablett finally made it on the cover!
We also chat to VWFL media Manager leesa Catto about the Womens Aussie rules Grand Final on the weekend.

Athletics...Congrats to Dani Samuel for winning gold for the girls in the Discus! Go Aussie.

And Steve Hooker takes Gold in the Pole Vault after a tough week with injury worries.

And Queenslander Mitchell Watt takes Bronze in the Long Jump...Not a bad day at the office.

All that n more on the show that goes through more balls than Roger Federer.

Peace out*

.*Disclaimer: The Sports Lounge may contain 2/3 of your daily fibre intake. No this does not mean we will give you the shits. Warning this last paragraph may not be accurate. Conditions apply and portions of this blog have been edited for your discomfort. Spoken by Tan for the Sports Lounge Party Melbourne (say that last sentance really fast).All that n more on the show that goes through more balls than Roger Federer.